It’s chilly Sunday night and I’m sitting down to write after a failed attempt at wrapping Christmas gifts. What I discovered is that I have far too many gifts and far too few bags and boxes in which to wrap them. I guess I will need to remedy that situation tomorrow and move on to the second task on my to-do list and gladly that is talking with you. I am accompanied by two of our three cats as they have perched themselves on the back of the couch behind my head. My husband has gone to run an errand and so I am thrilled to have this time with you. Well, now as I type cat #3 has made her way to the living room. She is my clingy snuggle bunny so I pray I can get done before she seeks out my lap for warmth and comfort.
As the title of this entry reads, I need to ask your permission to back up in my story just a little bit. A few days ago, I was scanning my blog, that I am so very proud of, with the utmost of godly pride that is, and double-checking to make sure everything was just right. The controlling perfectionist that I am working to rid myself of still takes over sometimes. So, in doing this, I was astonished as I read my bio. Nowhere therein do I include my salvation story or much of my history with the Lord. I was appalled! And so angry at myself! How can I possibly think of recounting my story without filling it to the brim with my Saviour?? After all, He is the reason for not only my salvation, but my survival, my freedom from abuse, my joy, my peace, my everything! Therefore, if you would grant me a few minutes I would like to– as the beautiful Anne Wilson sings “tell you ’bout my Jesus”!
I was eight years old when I first walked the aisle of a church. It’s really sorta’ funny the parts of that morning that I actually remember. I was sitting with my mother and probably my grandparents on the third or fourth row back in the center section of pews at Westside Baptist Church. We had an interim pastor at the time by the name of J. Wendell Klein. He was an elderly gentleman, very tall, very slender, and from what I remember very kind. That particular morning, I have no recollection of what Bro. Klein preached about. What I do remember though is that as we sat singing the invitation hymn, I stood up. Honestly, to this day I don’t remember why. My mom looked at me and said, “Where are you going?” I remember making this ugly smirk at her as if to tell her that she should know. Everything after that moment goes completely blank in my memory. The next thing I remember is my mother taking me to Bro. Klein’s home so that he could talk to me about being baptized. I remember the morning I got baptized and how I wore my favorite pink floral skirt and how excited I was and how it was the first time my daddy came to church with me. But a big life transformation? No, I don’t remember that at all. But how much does life truly have to change for an eight-year-old?
From that moment on I did strive to live for Jesus. And strive (make great efforts to gain or achieve something) is exactly what I did, trying to live by God’s standard in order to earn His favor in my own way with my own strength, not realizing salvation meant He had met the mark for me. As I continued growing up, I sought to never deviate from what everyone else told me that God expected of me. I didn’t know how to ask Him for myself. No one ever told me how. Or that I should. Or could. This led to many years of doubts and fears and misunderstandings about my own salvation. And also, to a life full of people-pleasing instead of God-pleasing, seeking to satisfy those who said they knew God instead of knowing Him for myself. I thought pleasing people meant I was required to make everyone else happy and sacrifice my own wants. Putting myself first became a big no-no. I did not see at the time that being a people-pleaser can be dangerous when you begin trying to indulge someone who doesn’t truly have your best interest as their primary goal i.e. an abuser.
My road to true salvation was a confusing and twisted one at times with some added junk that I picked up along the way and am still working to discard. When we talk again, I will continue to chronicle my battle for salvation and how and when it finally became real for me.