December 27th–Two days after Christmas and my heart is so full. For one, I have been scrolling through Instagram videos watching as so many people have posted reactions of friends or family to certain presents they were given. Some of them have been so sweet and heart-warming. I love watching the joy on a child’s face or seeing them jump up and down or even, as I saw one last night, hug his little brother as they realize they’ve gotten just what they asked for and for the moment their dreams have come true. Not to reach too far or make it too spiritual but isn’t that just like our Lord and Saviour and even more so as we walk this road of life as His child. He is ever more revealing gifts and surprises and if we will follow His lead, He’ll make our dreams, that are settled in Him, a reality! For those who say Christmas is not about the gifts and the stuff, don’t let it bog you down or even make you angry, let it be a reminder of not only the one true gift and the salvation He came to provide but, as I said, also of what a celebration each day can be as we live the abundant life that He also came to bring. I pray this Christmas was a reminder of the goodness of God in your life!
The last time we met here I felt compelled to share my salvation story. But because my story was complicated by fears and doubts, I decided to break it down into a few parts. It’s funny but when I think of my life in visual form it is definitely not a straight line. It is more like a knotted up, unraveled ball of yarn that someone has tried to roll back up neatly but halfway through the process decided it was a useless venture and just stuck it all together and threw it down. I imagine my life as two cats in a cartoon who jump into a fight with a cloud of dirt and debris and fur flying and their mews raised to a high-pitched screech. I suppose it is the same for everyone. None of us have a straight line. We all have our own messes. And that is quite alright. That’s why Jesus came. To rescue us from our mess.
When I wrote last, I was heading into my adolescent years, unsure of this salvation that I hoped I had claimed but yet not really knowing what to do with it. I was striving so hard to be perfect. To meet everyone’s expectations. I wanted to look and act the part of a good Christian girl. I had not yet understood that it was Jesus who would take up that role when I truly surrendered to him. I did not yet know how that all took place. I was only doing what I knew to do. It was sometime during that span of years, our pastor, Bro. Melvin Mordecai, preached a message on the end times and Jesus’ return. For some reason, instead of comforted, I felt very afraid. I was scared of some of the things that I heard about what would happen and, in that fear, I almost ran down the aisle that night. I wanted to make sure that I knew Jesus and would be safe from times of tribulation that the book of Revelation tells us about. But again, I do not remember anything that was done or said, any prayer I prayed, any confession of sin or repentance I made. I just remember standing before the church and people coming by to say how brave I was for making this decision. Brave? They didn’t know I was led by terror that night. I then remember being baptized and once again, I was on the quest to “act right” and be who I was expected to be. And again, not understanding that Jesus had paid my sin debt and if I had truly asked Him for that salvation, I no longer had to earn anything. It would take me a while longer before I truly grasped this knowledge. Even longer before I could say a had an understanding of it.
In my next entry, I will share with you my teenage years. This is where life and salvation became even more confusing for me, and I sought after other things that would seemingly add to my value besides the fact that Jesus loved me. A few of them that would change the trajectory of my life forever, one of which is the reason I sit here today writing to you about being a survivor of abuse. I pray that you will come back for more of the story. More than anything, I will tell you about a Mighty God who carried me through it all!